Why The Haters Are Blatantly Better Than Jim Sterling

So, this Jim Sterling fellow. To those who are unaware, Jim Sterling is a Not-Journalist for www.destructoid.com, who is increasingly unpopular among stupid fucking idiots jealous wannabe games journalists people who for the purposes of this we will call stupid fucktards haters. However, I’m here to tell you why those haters are Blatantly Better than Jim Sterling (by stealing and bastardising a feature of his on Destructoid). Hopefully he won’t hate me for it

He’s British
As we know, Jim Sterling is from England, and that makes him a stupid obese man who’s arse he owes to AMERICA LAND OF THE FREE (because America won the war, and didn’t just come in after Hitler fucked up in Russia, and was starting to lose anyway), and as such, he should be grateful to Americans otherwise he’d be speaking Germans and eating Jew babies or something. Also, being British means he’s automatically wrong, because Americans, the prime Sterling haters are Americans, and thus totally right about everything and justified in everything they do, like going to war with Iraq and voting Bush in twice. Ignoring the fact I’m from England, and Sterling now resides in America, his haters are Blatantly Better.

I hate myself for resorting to a Bush joke, of all things.

He Uses Sarcasm:
When he writes articles, Mr Sterling employs something known as sarcasm. However, sarcasm is too complicated to understand and recognise to the average hater, and because they need any excuse possible to hate him, it’s easier to act as if he’s being serious and that he genuinely believes it, because he obviously does, and the haters are totally not missing a point of any kind.

He’s Happily Married:
As you are now aware, Jim Sterling is happily married, and because his haters like to make wild accusations about him being lonely, fat and single, I’m going to join them and say that being happily married with someone he’s in love with totally makes him gay. And a pussy. And wrong about everything. Obviously, the haters are in the right here, making wild accusations about people whose opinions we disagree with is totally the cool thing to do! And not just the last refuge of those who are picking at straws to insult someone they disagree with. And who are single. And lonely. And hung up on that person they like because she’ll come back to me if I keep trying even though she’s seeing that over guy and its totally over between us and…

He’s Not Afraid To Show His Face:
Haters don’t need to show their face to be correct, and remaining anonymous is the only true way to have your opinion respected. Jim’s obviously not doing it right, because by showing his face, he’s no longer anonymous and cool, and thus, his haters are blatantly better.

The Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory by Penny Arcade

He Has An Opinion, And Therefore Must be Stopped:
When Jim Sterling reviews games, he lets things like opinions get in the way of his judgement. That’s no way to review games, and the fact that he’s just allowed to use his opinion is disgusting. The haters are totally right. All reviews should be completely factual, and thus exactly the same as each other, with little to no interpretation or judgement, thus making multiple reviews of the same game completely pointless and obsolete. Jim Sterling shouldn’t have an opinion unless it’s exactly the same as theirs, and he should put that gun down he’s using to force everyone to read his opinions.

He Rated Assassin’s Creed 2 a 4.5:
Jim Sterling rated one of the most anticipated games of the year a measly, a pathetic, an earth destroying 4.5. The haters are right: Jim reviewing a game that the haters either haven’t played (but it was majorly hyped, so it must be good!) or have played and like that low is akin to raping and murdering children! How dare he dislike a game that the majority of reviews view positively! As Jim pointed out, his negative review may have actually caused physical copies of the game to melt, and rumour has it that his review also caused that game-breaking glitch. The haters are right, Jim Sterling is a terrible person for not only having a different opinion from them, but for disliking something they like, because it totally makes a difference to their enjoyment, and their disagreement caused Jim’s fist to burst through the computer screen, punch them in the face, and eat their doritos.

He Was Wrong About FFXIII Being Better On The Xbox:
Mr Sterling recently wrote an article FFXIII is blatantly better on the Xbox360 than on the PS3. However, as it turns out, his incredibly serious and totally-not-satire article was a big bunch of wrong. Final Fantasy XIII will have compressed sound and video on the Xbox360, meaning that not only is his article completely and utterly wrong in every way, but the Playstation 3 is the one true console, and it totally makes a difference to everything and proves that the Playstation 3 version will be better than actual sex with a real woman, whereas the Xbox360 version will be worse than a handjob with sandpaper. Because of this totally and utterly insignificant fact, all the haters are automatically right and therefore, blatantly better.

Jim Sterling = Bias
As all the haters are quick to point out, Jim Sterling is bias, and hates the Playstation 3. As their irrefutable evidence probably points out, Sterling is quick to hate on the PS3, despite him saying that his favourite console this generation was Sony’s console, when looking at it from the haters’ perspective, he’s clearly an Xbot who can’t reach orgasm unless he gets an achievement and says something insulting about Sony. While eating babies.

He Hates Anything That’s Popular And Trolls For Pageviews:

Didn’t you read above? He rated Assassin’s Creed 2 a 4.5! Let’s ignore his 9.5 and 9.0 scored reviews of Modern Warfare 2 and Left 4 Dead 2, and listen to the haters who claim he hates everything that’s popular! He obviously does! He probably definately doesn’t have valid reasons for hating things (like Activision and IWnet) and he’s clearly just trolling everyone to get more pageviews for Destructoid. Let’s believe the haters, and tell everyone about how he hates things that we like, and send the link to everyone, so we can give Destructoid some more page views just to slag off and hate one of their writers, who at the end of the day, is doing something he loves (playing and writing about videogames) as a living, is frequently hilarious, and is one of the best Videogame (not-)journalists out there.

I think now its obvious to you all now that the haters are blatantly better than Jim Sterling.

Peace, Haters.
<3 Edward
(If Jim Sterling ever reads this, he’s going to hate/kill me.)

13 thoughts on “Why The Haters Are Blatantly Better Than Jim Sterling

        1. Edward Post author

          You know it takes a lot more effort to make a negative comment about something you dislike than simply disregarding it, right?
          Just saying, if you spend this much energy to take the time out to fail to insult someone for a blog post they made over a year ago defending someone you’re so irritated by that you set out to find something to argue against, imagine what you could achieve if you put that energy into making your life better?

    1. Averre

      “You know it takes a lot more effort to make a negative comment about something you dislike than simply disregarding it, right?”

      Orly? And the amount of effort you made to reply to this comment was?

      “Just saying, if you spend this much energy to take the time out to fail to insult someone for a blog post they made over a year ago defending someone you’re so irritated by that you set out to find something to argue against,”

      Just sayin, if you spend this much energy to take the time to fail to lecture someone for a blog comment you’re so irritated by that you set out to make an even bigger ass out of yourself.

      I didn’t know there was a time limit to when someone can post a comment on your blog…or is it only a problem when you get this butthurt over a simple comment?

      Imagine what you could achieve if you put that energy into making your life better.

      As opposed to creating a blog defending someone who has never nor will never need defending? Making the entire blog post totally useless in the first place?

      1. Edward Post author

        You know, there’s something faintly ironic in your massive comment reriding me for reminding you there’s more to do on the internet than hate. It’s pretty funny how angry you get at stuff no one ever forced you to read or respond to, and thinking I responded because I was irritated at your comment. If it was so entirely useless, why waste time validating it? :)

      2. Averre

        I don’t get angry over obvious fanboi’s who ride his dick yet know jack shit about him or his bullshit tactics.

        As for your own reply: If it was so pointless, why bother responding to a eight word comment? Simple, because it did irritate you.

        But you’re right, why bother commenting here? Besides, I’d hate to distract you from replying to all those replies from your massive fanbase…wait…


        ^ That is the real Jim Sterling. Enjoy.

        1. Edward Post author

          Then why keep coming back and responding? It obviously bugs you enough to keep doing so :)
          If you really weren’t bothered, you wouldn’t keep responding or putting across how much you hate him by linking to articles that were disowned by the people who wrote them. The person who wrote that article quit the site over it, claiming someone else wrote it for him. Maybe you should check your sources before using them to claim other people don’t know “shit about him or his bullshit tactics”. Would make you look quite stupid, that. :)
          Well, if I don’t have a massive fanbase, then why does my opinion matter so much to you that you keep coming back? Most curious a case, indeed. You could, you know, get over it and leave. That is an option.

  1. Taco Grande

    Love the overwrought hyperbole! There’s no better way to make a point than to be sarcastic about it, and to be so in the most outrageous, over-the-top manner possible. That way you can make the object of your scorn look like irredeemable shit-stains on the ass of humanity instead of tackling the issue with even a small measure of objectivity. I’m sure that at least a couple of the people who dislike Jim Sterling dislike him for entirely valid reasons, but of course it’s just easier to lump everyone with a low opinion of the man together as irrational haters, right?

    Jim’s propensity for being abrasive has resulted in at least a couple of amusing indictments by him of the stupid things that gamers say and do, and I can appreciate it as someone who thinks that gamers at large desperately need a wakeup call. The behavior that most gamers take for granted as part of their culture isn’t considered normal by society’s standards, and it’s why most folks who don’t game have the perception of people who do as being socially maladjusted losers. I dig the hell out of it when Jim draws attention to that, even though it’s ultimately never going to change anything. Even so, for as much as I can appreciate Jim for airing out our dirty laundry, it’s impossible to deny that he’s gained a good deal of his notoriety from playing at being an insufferable douche. Whether or not he really is one, I can see how the image that he’s worked so hard to cultivate for himself as a writer at Destructiod might be hard for some folks to swallow.

    I’m willing to grant you the possibility that a good deal of his detractors are indeed nothing more than irrational haters, but Jim having cultivated an unflattering image of himself as a writer, I’m not willing to believe that everyone with a low opinion of the man qualifies as such. Making broad generalizations about the haters is just as silly as things that the irrational amongst them are saying about Jim. There is no objective difference between you and them, besides that you dig the guy and they don’t. You just represent extremes on opposite ends of the spectrum.

    You and the irrational haters all need to get over it and move on. Jim’s just another largely faceless writer in the ever-increasingly crowded videogame-blogosphere. He’s not important or noteworthy enough to be worth this kind of attention from any of you.

    1. Edward Post author

      Bah, I never got round to responding to this.

      The reason for the hyperbole and over the top nature of it was based on Sterling’s “Why x is blatantly better than y” articles. I just thought it’d be fun to spoof it and have a little joke, none of it is meant to be 100% serious. Trust me, I wrote it all with my tongue so firmly planted in my cheek that I couldn’t talk.
      It’s not meant to be a “Oh man I love Jim Jim Jim be mine” sort of thing, it’s just spoofing his writing style to take on some of his critics. Those critics, unsurprisingly and disappointly don’t really seem to get that it’s not entirely serious. Shame, that.
      Thanks for reading, in any case, and sorry for the stupidly long time it took me to respond.

  2. chad

    Fuck jim he is nothing but a lard ass piece of shit, period. But you know whats worse than than a lard ass piece of shit? The guy who sucks his dick and that would be you. And who gives a fuck if he is married!? Fat ugly bitches dont count as getting laid, everyone knows this. Nuff said

  3. nipple_bandit

    No you see, the problem with Jim Sterling isn’t that ‘he’s a fat man who hates games I like’ his problem is his appeal and his competence.

    He runs by the logic ’2+2=5, BUT THAT’S JUST MY OPINION’ and it leads to shitful reviews. I don’t care about his opinion, but he almost always gets the facts of matters wrong.

    And he appeals to tweens by spouting memes and playing such an edgy guy who’s, oh man, so super cool on the internet. Ugh.

    The only ‘good’ thing Jim has ever conceived is The Video Game Show What I’ve Done, which even then had infrequent dips in quality. His reviews and The Jimquisition though? He’s a generalizing, baiting, meme-spouting manchild.


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